Sometime in November 2019, I went through a very challenging period that got me thinking, questioning, pondering about a lot of thing. I used to think I am a very strong woman. No, I know I am a very strong, confident and independent woman. People see me as bold, strong, determined and unique. Faced with challenging health condition daily, I strive to make it through rain and shine. I live daily as if it is my last because I do not know what awaits me when I lay down at night. I live one day at a time, but also make provision for another day. I am hopeful, very hopeful of my future. In fact, I live like I know my future. If that is not faith, then I don’t know what faith is. I have love, I have family, and I have friends. I smile each waking day, and gratitude at the going down of the sun. I hold on. I focus on the good I see in any situation because it is an easy coping mechanism.
But on this particular day, I felt very different. Some days are different and difficult for me but not like this. I tried all coping strategies to get me through the day. I smiled at my colleagues, laughed when everyone did. I managed to say the right things to people. I survived a hard day at work. But on getting back home to my comfort zone, all I wanted to do was crawl under my duvet and cry my heart out. I lost appetite for food, tried to hold decent conversation with family and friend. They knew me so well and knew something was wrong. There was no point pretending. I just told them I was too tired, upset from work (which I was by the way) and just needed an early night.
I managed a forced dinner to enable me take my medications, then slept for few hours as my body yearned for it. I work up just after 21:30pm and the only thing I could do was cry my heart out. This feeling wasn’t just because of early upset at work, but work was definitely my last trigger to whatever was causing me this unusual emotion pain. I was frustrated, angry, upset and annoyed. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong, why I felt this way. But I knew I needed to cry, and cry I did.
I had bottled up so much emotions – my health was not getting any better. I knew it wouldn’t but I believed it wouldn’t stop me entirely from living my life. But am I entirely sure about that? Somewhere in my subconscious, I could hear the still small voice speaking to me. But I was already overwhelmed by my feelings. Is this the life I wanted for myself? Absolutely not! “I didn’t ask for this”, was all I managed to mutter to myself with my tears almost choking me. And then I ask myself – why me? Why would I be the one going through all these challenges? It felt so wrong to ask these questions but at that moment in time, I needed to hear myself ask me the question which I needed to get an answer. As a Christian and believer, I wondered if I should even entertain such thoughts. What does it say about my faith, my belief?
The many why me’s I was asking?
Why am I disabled? A million-dollar rhetoric question, right? I absolutely have no clue to this one. Neither does anyone have the answer. I guess it is one of the things we call life happens. Some of the thing’s life throw at us can be harsh. Nobody deserves this kind of thing; you certainly wouldn’t wish it for even your enemy. So, if not me, who then? Another rhetoric question, right? I am thinking about what could have been of my life if I was different. Holding strongly to my dreams of family, health and fulfilled life is a big task which I have to keep alive. Well, when life has given me lemons, I can only make my lemonade from it. And that is life.
Why am I on this journey? This journey I am on is certainly not for the weak or faint hearted. Is it a journey I enjoy? Absolutely not. However, it is a journey I embark on knowing that He who holds my tomorrow is taking this ride with me. He knew me before I was formed, my end from my beginning. He equipped me with resilience, faith, strength, vision, and above all peace which passes all understanding. Hence, I walk by faith and not by sight, living one day at a time. So far, it has been worth it. It has it challenges that pushed me to my limits, had times I nearly let go. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel, hence I press on.
Why have I lost very important people in my life? I think this got me the most, I am not sure why. First, my sister and most recently, my dad. Both deaths affected me differently. I keep these very special people alive in my memory even though the pain of the separation consumes me more. My late sister was all I ever wanted to be. Talk about strength of a woman, talk about boldness and courage. Amauche was an amiable, fearless, witty woman. She was never fazed by her disability. In fact, her disability gave her strength, brevity and she spoke with grace and eloquence. She was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy like me when she was very young. But she was one of those characters that challenged her disability. Gutsy? She had guts that surprised us all. Her will-power was off the chart. She saw a lot in life that I didn’t see. She loved and lived life till her last breath. She inspired me in many ways, and still does. I hope to be able to tell her story from my perspective someday.
My dad’s death shattered me more than I could imagine. My family still grieves. I cannot say how much we are grieving individually but I know it hurts. My mum is completely broken and when I speak to hear I feel her pain which further makes it worse for me. I think about her pain and my pain. The unrealised dreams I had about my dad – he was supposed to walk me down the aisle. That dream has been snatched out of my hands by death. I still imagine the joy and happiness in his face walking me down. What a proud moment it would have been for him to see me reach that mark.
The good thing is, it isn’t over yet. Today may have me questioning and doubting. But tomorrow is a brand-new day. I leave it all to Him who helps me figure it all out. Finding the strength can be hard but very do-able. Today I find my inner strength to talk about this. I have renewed faith, energy, focus, belief, trust and positive outlook in life. Will it be like this every day? Not sure, but I take it one day at a time.
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